[Spot] Equinox

Sometimes I feel like doing something about it. It's like watching my life on a video, only no rewind button. I know my life is going to pieces and I'm there but I'm not doing anything about it. Almost like in dreams when you want to run but can't go fast enough, it's like that. I spend my time looking for the rewind when I should be stopping things from happening. I have every chance of getting straight A's on my report card but my willingness isn't with in me. I think it's because I know I can do it and I just want to see how far I can get and still pull it off. This doesn't only pertain to school but everything that concerns me.

Sometimes I need time to breathe. You know I've been having asthma attacks lately. Hadn't had one since a long time. A few months ago they diagnosed me as not having asthma anymore. Haha, I guess they were wrong. I have them almost everyday now. I think that is how me and Mr. Dimmesdale are connected. We both hold something and has made us sick.
I don't think the whole thing about being sick on and off since August has anything to do with it. The asthma is separate, my own body hurting itself physically, not just mentally.

Sometimes I wonder if he even understands. I'm lost in this world. A world were I can't find any meaning. Hell is This, we just don't know it. I'm a cry baby. That's what I've been characterized, at least. When I cry it's only my fault. I'm crying now. Something is pulling me apart. It's kind of like Reverend Dimmesdale, with his dark secret and how he grasps at his heart. Mine isn't a [secret]. I hate it. I don't understand. Why I feel like I feel I don't know. I still feel like I owe a debt. I've hurt and I'm sorry. Can't you hear me! This is my punishment and I will [die] with it.

Life is hectic. And you don't make it any easier.

I'm sick. Anyone who knows me well, knows that I have been sick on and off since August of last year (2000).

OK, so my birthday has been good so far. All I need is my baby.

It's My Birthday!!!

Only one more day till the big B!!!

DARK(01:45:37 AM): have to tell you kat...U'RE GOOD...U'RE DAMN GOOD...
DARK(01:46:58 AM): i'll never need porn again
DARK(01:48:53 AM): i think...no, I kno...for the first time in my 17 yr life...I am sexually satisfied
DARK(01:50:32 AM): thank u SO much Kat...

Oh my jesus. Save my soul. I just spent an hour making love to the most incredable man. Thanks you, Lord for this great [sex]. Now I know what I'm thankful for.
Drifting back into paradise.

Convo:

DARK: do u think soemone is laughing at us? I do...I think they think its so funny to make people like eachother and then never let them see eachother...they think its funny to see us chat but never see...talk but never see...see but never actually see everything...i think...its the music i'm listening to now...but it totally sucks...this relationship...its not fair...and i hate people who have relationships that allow them to see eachother everyday...and those that abuse the words "i love you" and who don't actually mean them...cuz they don't kno what its like...to not see that person everyday...what its like to not be able to tell that person 'I love you" everyday...what its like to actually mean it...but we can't do ne thing about it, can we? no...and as I sit here and type all this, u went to the bathroom...but you could be doing ne thing in the world...and I wouldn't kno it...becuz I don't have the privlege...why tho?...why? someone tell me why...
DARK: i typed more, but I got cut off by the stupid program...it seems u can only type a certain amount of characters...how homosexual
M21: I suppose it's all part of the drama, like we have to go through this to know how much we really appreciate each other presence
M21: and also as a bit of agony, pain before pleasure

Can't explain what that's about maybe later.

I am proud to say, I did not take in not one drip of alcohol yesterday. I did not have much fun neither. But there was one of those big air houses at my aunt's place. You know one of those inflatable fun houses. OK, so I do not know the technical name for it, but I call it the jumping house. That was fun for a while. It was boys against girls, and we had to make shoots through the hoops. Well, it was fun until this guy was trying to get the ball from under me. Unfortunately, I got violated in the struggle. It was a mistake so I kept on playing, until this other girl got violated. She was little like nine years old and she poke the boy in the eye. We all know it was a big mistake but we decided to stop playing anyway. The food was all right. But what was really the highlight of the night was when the two old white Americans where trying to dance Salsa with the members of my Latino family. It was the funniest thing in the world. The rest of the night at that aunt's house I spent listening to music on my CD Walkman. After her house we (Mom, dad, and two sisters) went to my other aunt's house from my mom's side. Over there I actually danced. And man do I know how to move my hips. I get better at it each time I dance, though I still consider myself a Loser when it comes to dancing.
I thought I should start the countdown to my birthday. So it's two more days till the big B. I think you should buy me something.
Just kidding! I learned something new. My cousin had her birthday last month. She got a $500 bracelet from her Mom and $300 check from her Dad. Plus many other stuff from boyfriends and family. I thought I wanted stuff that valued that much or more. So I did some stuff that was very selfish, something I will not tell anyone. Either way I learned that the value is not in the amount of money spent on the gift, it's in the [something that has not hit me yet]. What I mean is that my cousin got those expensive presents because the people know how materialistic she is, plus they where selfish enough to buy her affection. Maybe I'm wrong.
Got to watch "Harry Potter" with the family.

Happy Thanksgiving! I'm thinking about trashing the whole thanksgiving thing. I use to like it for the alcohol (mostly), food, and dancing. But that's all gone. I don't even have [anything] to be thankful for. You might be saying I'm ungrateful or a hypocrite, but if you only knew what lies beyond your bedroom door.
What's promised...? Plagiarism. My parents are finally giving me freedom. I don't care, because I know I'm better than you.

"Stranger In A Village" essay by James Baldwin. Entering my new school, I felt alone. What would happen next would have many possibilities. Some main ones are, either I would become the outcast (my existence would be unknown), they accept me but not who I am (using me for personal advantage), or complete acceptance by both parties. My first days of school are somewhat now obscure, but I remember being accepted by the popular kids (I guess they need an extra girl weedhead). A week later something happened maybe by my own fault or by choose. [Karen], social outcast started talking to me, out of generosity one day I sat next to her. Of course after that day, my out look on the world changed. After hanging with the schools social outcast for one day, no one wanted to talk to me and I didn't want to talk to no one. This school is hell on earth. The kids that go there don't want to go there. No class spirit (which in some cases might be good, but not this one), stupidity, and [clicks]. The kids are so divided and can't see past their group. And this is when I found out how it is to be unknown. I always wondered why this boy, always sat alone in class and didn't talk to anyone, well I know. I hope you won't ever have to go through this but yet it teaches you. I felt bad because every time I wanted to talk to that boy but didn't I was erasing him from his eyes. Some of you might not understand this, but I hope it can change a little of your prospective on life. I didn't get to say all I wanted to say, because I have to go to school soon.
I didn't exactly get to play soccer with the guys. We decided to go see a JV girls soccer game instead at my previous school. It was alright, Cobras lost 9-0. Saw some more old friends and man you guys are great. I have to say SMS is the best. You can also have my friends (ram, CP) word for it. Who wants to transfer to SMS after one day there. Anyway, my [hands] hurt.

Going to Coral Park to pick up some friends and then playing Soccer with the guys. When I get back I'll definitely have something interesting to tell you, actually I have some stuff right now, just don't got the time to tell you.

"If a great wave should fall..." Methinks, I've bored you long enough. I just came back from South Miami Sr. (my old high school). If anything, I'm sorry! I have push great friends away, didn't call, didn't even visit. Worst of all I didn't even tell anyone I was leaving except a few 2 or 3 people. To my friends, past, present, and future;
I'm Sorry!!!
Well, today I saw you again and it was great, the way you just excepted me back into your life. No questions asked. I'll call you guys don't worry! Oh, and you, thanks for lending me the red shirt. Have you seen my headphones?

Currently reading The Scarlet Letter. Yes, I'm still reading that [crap], want to make something of it. Well, finally its getting good, about Chapter 12. After Rev. Dimmesdale stood on the scaffold and what not. I'm going to my old school in a couple of minutes. To see some old friends and talk to [somebody]. Where did my club go? Please, if you know where the [hell] my club (Drytear.com) went, have pity on me and tell me it's new address, if any. So yeah, why are you reading this? You know my grammer and spelling are horrible. Not to mention I'm not interesting. Blah, Blah, Blah. Nice song, "Where You Will Go," The Calling. Makes me cry, for reason of my own.

Just had the most awesome date with my boyfriend. Oh my god, he is the king of love making! Now, I got to go to school!

OK, so I thought about it. And this template is staying for a while. In the mean time, I'll be getting paid for doing this guys homework. His my college bud who seems to not have enough time to do his own work. But I'm good for it, just hope i have enough time from now till work to get it done. Oh, for you that don't know, I work. Yes, I have a job at Publix as a cashier. Yippee! Seriously, it's really fun, me and the guys have a trip (sometimes).

Don't worry, this site will change. I'm keeping the template for now. Until I myself can actually think of a design that is better. If you noticed I'm new at this and don't know enough information. Like how to get more pages for this blog. But either way I'll find out sooner or later. And I know it looks like [shit] now and that I might be nothing interesting but hang with me and you'll see.

God [kill] me. I allowed my older sister to do highlights on my hair. Oh My God. What a psycho [bitch]. Either way I look like [shit] now. I'll dye it on Friday with light brown to cover the patches of blonde. Yes, patches, because my hair now looks like a cheetah or leopard (which ever you prefer). I didn't go to school today, both high school and college. Most likely I'll end up dropping out of school. I didn't go cause I felt sick. It's hard to breath. I have so much left to do. Been checking out other blogs, damn they're good. Maybe mine will be like that one day. Well, got to go read "Of Plymouth Plantation," by William Bradford. Not an interesting book but it's a must. I'm still reading "The Prince," by Niccolò Machiavelli. Also, not an interesting book but it's a knowledgeable one.

This morning, I thought up the most interesting question. What would happen if a container (much like the one below, very strong and durable), where to be stripe of the air within it using a vacuum (or any such instrument)? Personally I think it'll collapse. I haven't taken Physics or anything but I do take Chemistry and Calculus. You see there would be nothing inside the container (if at all possible) while the air outside would have force on the object, the 'nothing' inside would have no resistant force to act back on it, therefore it will crumble. Or deeper looked at, the 'nothing' inside the container will eventually cause the surroundings (container) to stop in motion (which we all know is not possible, 0 Kelvin), which will make the atoms collapse. I might be wrong, but either way set me straight, and give me your thoughts on this.

What a redicious song. Today is the ninth month anniversary between me and my baby. How delicious. No school today either. This most be a sign from God. What's up with all this depression? All I hear from people now is how misrable they are. They need to stop taking life for granted. Both they and I know that they have it way better off than a lot of people. They DON'T work at sweat-shops making soccer balls or what-not. Depression is a state of mind not a reality. But don't listen to me, I'm only taking A.P. Phychology.